


Heavy Cross

by inthedreamatorium



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-06
Updated: 2013-03-06
Packaged: 2017-12-04 11:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/710512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inthedreamatorium/pseuds/inthedreamatorium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reid still goes to Bay City to pick up the heart for Chris but the consequences are very, very different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**  
  
Reid Oliver can count on his hand the number of times he has cried (other than being a whiny, drooling baby, of course).  
  
The first time was when he was five years old. He (regrettably) threw a temper tantrum when his parents refused to buy the newest G.I. Joe action figure for his birthday. Instead they bought him his first chess set and the rest, as they say, is history.  
  
\---------------  
  
The second time was when he was eight. All he wanted, more than anything in this world, was a puppy. Both of his parents were in academia and were gone for long periods of time. The lack of siblings and the absence of his parents created a very lonely environment for the little boy. His best friend, Joey Cordova, had TWO dogs. And he had three older siblings! Reid didn’t think that was very fair. So he had begged and pleaded with his parents, promising he’ll take care of the puppy and his parents wouldn’t have to do anything. But his parents refused, citing that having a dog is too much responsibility for a young boy and they don’t have the time or energy to deal with it. After his father’s very final, “NO,” Reid had stormed into his room, slammed the door, and cried into his pillow.  
  
\---------------  
  
The third time was when he was thirteen. He was at a sleepover with three of his friends and the conversation, naturally, turned to girls. Joey boasted he had kissed Kelly Linus and they were now officially dating. The boys talked about the girls in their school and who was date-worthy and who was just plain gross. Reid stayed quiet for the majority of the conversation, agreeing (or disagreeing) when asked.  
  
“So, Reid, who would YOU kiss?” asked Marty.  
  
Reid had blushed and mumbled about how he wasn’t really picky. Thankfully, his friends didn’t dwell on it, but Reid had. He never thought about girls. He never thought about kissing them or holding hands with them or going to the movies with them. It wasn’t that he did not like hanging out with girls. In fact, one of his closest friends was a girl. But he never once thought about kissing her. It actually creeped him out thinking about it. Reid was uncomfortable until Lance admitted he hadn’t kissed a girl either. Clearly, Reid thought, he was a late bloomer and there was nothing wrong with him.  
  
A few hours later, after Joey’s parents had gone to bed, Joey brought out three magazines he had found in his dad’s office. Three porno magazines. The boys all “ooohed” and “aaahed” over them and they immediately began tearing through them. Reid pretended to be excited about it but honestly, he wasn’t into it as much as his friends. He picked one up and began flipping through it by himself, trying to see the appeal his friends saw. But he didn’t. He wasn’t necessarily repulsed by it nor was he excited about it. He felt... nothing. It wasn’t until he turned the page did he stop and stare. It was a photo of a man and woman, naked, sitting on the hood of a car. Reid paid no mind to the woman. Instead he stared at the man. The tan, toned body; the sandy brown hair; the piercing green eyes; the large, hard cock. It was in this very moment that Reid knew this was what he wanted. It scared the beejesus out of him.  
  
Reid had held off from losing it until he made it into the bathroom. And then he lost his mind. He started crying, hysterically. What was WRONG with him? Why couldn’t he stop staring at the man? Why wasn’t he joining in with his friends, admiring the naked girls? Why did he feel so guilty? So badly? After about ten minutes, he heard a light knock on the door.  
  
“Hey, are you okay in there? I heard crying,” he heard a soft voice ask. He slowly opened the door to Joey’s older sister, Jenny.  
  
“Reid!” she exclaimed. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Did something happen?”  
  
“No, I'm okay. I'm just... I dunno... confused, I guess."  
  
Jenny hesitated for a moment before joining Reid on the bathroom floor. "Confused about what?"  
  
He had tried to speak but didn't know what to say. "Reid," she said softly, "if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you. Why are you feeling confused?"  
  
Reid remembers her face, how kind and caring it was. He felt safe with her; he trusted her.  
  
And then, as if a switch went off in his brain, he started babbling. "Is there something wrong with me? Joey pulled out these magazines he found and there were a bunch of naked pictures. And the guys were talking about the girls and how hot they were. But I never once thought about girls that way. I never even thought about kissing one! And then I saw a picture of a guy and I couldn’t help think about how hot HE was and how much I wanted to kiss HIM. Why was I thinking that? What’s wrong with me?” He felt the hot tears again.  
  
Jenny sat with Reid for two hours on the bathroom floor. He opened up to her about his feelings and she listened to him. She had told him that he was a little different than some of the other boys, but he wasn’t anymore wrong than they were. She hugged him; laughed with him; cried with him. She gave a name for it –gay— and said there was nothing, nothing, wrong with him. And when he was ready, he could start to tell people about it. No matter what people said, she had told him, she would always be there for him.  
  
“Never hide who you are, Reid,” she had said. “Don’t let people define you by this. Be your own man.”  
  
Reid never forgot what Jenny had done for him that night, and every Christmas and birthday, he called her. She was one of the few people in the world he really cared about.  
  
\---------------  
  
The fourth time Reid remembers crying was when he was fifteen, at his parents’ funeral. His parents died in a car accident on their way to his chess tournament. They very rarely came to his tournaments, letting his uncle Angus deal with it instead. But for some unknown reason, Reid desperately wanted them there. To this day, he’s not sure why; this tournament certainly wasn’t anything special. His parents had decided to surprise him and attempted the 98 mile drive from Cambridge, Massachusetts to Hartford, Connecticut. Except they never made it. His father attempted to beat a yellow light but they were hit by a semi truck. His dad died instantly. His mom hovered for three days before being declared brain dead.  
  
He blamed himself.  
  
At one point during the reception, after all of his parents’ friends and colleagues offered their condolences, Reid broke down crying and ran from the room. Angus followed him outside and said something that would stick with Reid for the rest of his life. In an awkward attempt of comfort, Angus put his arm loosely around Reid and told him to stop crying.  
  
“Olivers don’t cry!” he boasted. “Stop blaming yourself for something completely out of your control. Did you force your parents to get into that car? No. Did you force your parents to leave a day early so they could show up at your tournament? No! It was their own decision. Just like it was your dad’s decision to try and make the yellow light. Listen kid. Accidents happen. They’re not always someone’s fault. Nothing lasts forever in this world and as human beings, we’re hard-wired to cope with that. So dry your eyes and make something for yourself.”  
  
And Reid had.  
  
In the twenty years since then, Reid prided himself on separating himself from all things emotional. When things got a little too heavy, Reid put up his wall and removed himself from the situation. He lost a lot of friends because of this but the reward was worth it. By the time he was 28, he was already making a name for himself in his field. By 34, Dr. Reid Oliver was one of the top neurosurgeons in the country. If he ever felt a little twinge of loneliness, he threw himself more into his work. He never held back, never cared whose feelings he hurt as long as things were done correctly and efficiently. He could not stand weepy nurses or breakdowns from his patients. Over the years, he hard-wired his brain to deal with things distantly.  
  
Then he met Luke Snyder and everything changed.  
  
Luke challenged him, pushed him; he forced Reid to confront his fears and to break down the wall. It took him a long time to let Luke in but when he finally did, his world was infinitely better. The passion and love he felt for Mr. Snyder consumed his soul. He wanted the whole enchilada, yes, but he wanted the whole restaurant, the whole fucking world. For practically his entire adult life, Reid threw himself into his work. Nothing else even mattered or even came close. But he was starting to realize other things did matter and that his love for Luke surpassed his love for his work. It was a scary thought, but comforting at the same time.  
  
He was in love with Luke and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.  
  
\---------------  
  
The last time Reid cried was twenty minutes ago.  
  
When Luke died.


	2. Chapter 2

_24 hours earlier_  
  
“Reid! Reid, wait!”  
  
“What?” Reid snapped, stopping abruptly. Time was of the essence for him. Chris Hughes needed a heart and he will be damned if he doesn’t get one for him.  
  
Luke caught up with Reid, his breath a little short. “I understand that you’re used to getting whatever you want, but even you can’t walk into some strange hospital, grab a donor heart, and put it in your cooler and walk away.”  
  
“Watch me,” Reid replied as he turned back around and continued walking to his car. He felt Luke fall into step next to him.  
  
“Reid, come on.”  
  
“Luke, what!” He didn’t have time for this. He didn’t have time to hear all of the reasons why he shouldn’t do this. Goddammit, he HAD to do this. Why couldn’t Luke see it?  
  
Luke grabbed Reid’s arm and gently turned him around. He smiled at his boyfriend. “I could kiss you for wanting to do this, but you can’t. There’s too many risks involved.”   
  
Reid shook his head. “You heard what Dixon said. Some hotshot doctor stole Chris’ heart like it’s some kind of chess piece. This is  _his_  heart. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some... some arrogant, self-proclaimed savior of mankind take it away.”  
  
“Huh. That’s weird. I seem to remember another surgeon who was an arrogant, self-proclaimed savior of mankind,” Luke chuckled softly.  
  
“Yeah, wonder what happened to him,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “Listen, quit trying to stop me. I’m going.”  
  
Luke threw up his hands in surrender. “Okay, clearly there’s no changing your mind. But I’m going with you, just to make sure you don’t get arrested or anything. Okay?”  
  
“You can’t, Luke,” Reid said, shaking his head again. “This has to be handled doctor to doctor. Let me do what I do best –make trouble.”  
  
He gave Luke a pointed look before continuing his hurried walk to his car. There was no way in hell he was going to let someone else take the heart. He doesn’t care who he has to yell at, who he has to schmooze to. He is going to get that heart and make sure it’s put into Chris’ chest. All Bob and John need to do is keep Chris alive in the meantime. Considering Doogie seems to have a death wish (refusing treatment for months, really?!) he almost pities the work the two doctors will need to do.  _Almost._  
  
Reid made it to his car but before he had a moment to react, Luke had his hand on the car door.  
  
“Luke, seriously, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”  
  
“Doing what  _I_  do best. While you’re busy harassing all the doctors and nurses, someone needs to deal with the paperwork. You can’t just waltz in, take the heart, and waltz out. There’s a process, a legal process, that needs to be followed. I’ll handle that while you handle the doctors.”  
  
“Luke—”  
  
Luke placed a hand gently on the other man’s cheek. “Have you learned nothing? There’s no stopping me once I have my mind set on something.”He gently kissed Reid. “Now, get in the car. We have a long drive ahead of us. I’m driving.”  
  
“You… what… I… you are not driving!” Reid sputtered out.  
  
“Yes, I am. You have phone calls to make, people to yell at.” Luke took the keys out of Reid’s hands, unlocked the car and slide into the driver’s seat. Reid hesitated for a moment before rushing around to the other side and clambered in as Luke started the car and pulled out of the parking spot.  
  
“Seatbelt please,” he reminded Reid.  
  
The drive to Bay City would take approximately five to six hours, depending on traffic. Luke figured it would take them about an hour to sort out the legalities and another six hours to drive back. Maybe he could convince the Chief of Staff at the Bay City General Hospital to let them take the helicopter back. He wasn’t sure Chris had 12 hours. Chris Hughes, the fucking idiot. Luke respected Bob and Kim Hughes probably more than anyone else in this town. How these two remarkable people raised an idiot of a son was beyond him. Refusing treatment? Emotionally blackmailing Reid into helping him behind everyone’s back? All for what?! Katie? To become Chief of Staff? A position he never thought Chris was even qualified for.  
  
Bob mentioned to the board about six months ago he was planning on retiring by the end of the year. He wanted to give the board enough time to do a detailed search to find the right replacement. At the time, Bob made no mention of who he wanted to replace him. Dr. Reid Oliver was barely a blip on their radar –on Luke’s radar. After Bob had excused himself from the meeting, they discussed possible candidates. Leland Pierce suggested Chris Hughes. The majority of the board (including his grandmother) liked the idea; Luke, not so much. Yes, Chris had been Acting Chief a couple years ago when Bob was ill but he didn’t think Chris had the capabilities, the motivation needed to succeed. Chris was notorious for his hasty decisions, not thinking with the hospital’s best interests. Besides, he had picked up and left several times before without so much as a warning. What was to stop him from abandoning Memorial? Luke especially had a huge stake in the future success of Memorial Hospital. The new neuro wing was state of the art; it was going to be the top facility in the country. Having a Chief of Staff who shared his vision –and Dr. Oliver’s vision—was imperative to the success of the wing.  
  
Luke’s thoughts were interrupted by Reid’s cursing. He glanced over at his boyfriend who was talking –no lecturing—one of the doctors in Bay City. He had to hand it to Reid. He could be pretty scary when he wanted to be.  
  
“Yeah, no. That heart belongs to  _my_  patient. His family thinks he’s going into surgery in a few hours. You can’t get their hopes up and then just take it away on a whim. You know, what the hell kind of surgeon are you?! No, you know what? I’m going to be there in a few hours. Don’t even  _think_  about giving that heart to anybody else.”  
  
Reid slapped the phone shut. “Son of a bitch,” he muttered. He glanced over to Luke who had a huge grin on his face.  
  
“Mind sharing with the audience?” he snipped, his mood had considerably soured after the phone call.  
  
“You are sooo transparent,” Luke teased, his eyes twinkling with amusement.  
  
He patted his chest, his face. “Am I? This whole time I thought I was this solid wall of brilliance.”  
  
Luke laughed. “You’re not angry because some surgeon’s pulling rank. You’re fighting for Chris because you give a damn about him and his family.”  
  
Rolling his eyes, Reid looked out the window. This really wasn’t like him. Yes, he cared about his patients. Yes, he was passionate (borderline obsessive) with success, but he didn’t give a damn about Chris. Or did he? He freely admits to caring for Katie. And okay, Bob too (even though he still hasn’t quite forgiven him for the whole Invicta mess). Then there’s Luke, who grew up with the Hughes family. Chris, for reasons he cannot see, is important to these people. And for some ungodly reason, that makes Chris important to him. Good god, what was Luke doing to him?!  
  
Sighing dramatically, he turned back to Luke. “Okay, fine. I have to do this for Bob and Kim, even though she can’t stand me. And for Katie. Chris, too. He shouldn’t be Chief of Staff. That’s my job. But not because he croaks at the finish line.”  
  
“Gee, Dr. Oliver, who knew you had it in you to actually care so much about other people?” Luke teased, his eyes flickering back and forth from the road to his boyfriend. Even though Reid was looking straight ahead, he could see the tongue-in-cheek grin plastered on his face. He loved that smile.  
  
“Look, Luke, don’t get any ideas about me, okay? I’m still the same selfish jerk. I’ve spent my whole life going up against people with money and power that they didn’t do a damn thing to earn. I have earned the right to throw my weight around. I’ve got a great reason. I’m not gonna pass up the opportunity.”  
  
“You forget that I was one of those people with money and power you went up against,” he flirted back.  
  
Reid’s eyes narrowed and he leaned closer to Luke. He placed one of his hands on Luke’s upper thigh and the other on the back of his neck. Luke’s heart began fluttering and his face started to get warm. His hand was so close… He felt warm lips against his ear, kissing and nibbling gently. How was it that after all this time they’ve spent together, Luke still got butterflies around Reid?  
  
He felt Reid nuzzling his cheek. “I love you.”  
  
A whisper, a breath, a dream, a forever.  
  
Luke froze. Did he just imagine those words? Did Reid actually say it? Was this moment real? “What did you say?” he whispered, his voice full of hope.  
  
Reid pulled his face away. “I love you,” his voice still soft. He hadn’t meant to say it right then and there but he had the sudden urge to do so. Hearing Luke say those words to him earlier today changed something in him. Luke made him want to be a better man –someone  _worthy_  of that love. He has said it in his head a thousand times and told himself he would only say it if he knew that he could commit himself completely to Luke. For some, unexplained reason, a light bulb went off in his head. Everything was clear, everything made sense. He wanted the rest of his life to start right now –with Luke.  
  
He was gently stroking Luke’s neck and could feel Luke’s heart beating. He loved the effect he had on him. But little did Luke know, the effect was mutual.  
  
“Luke, I know you wanted—” he started but was interrupted by his cell phone. He groaned and regrettably pulled away from Luke. “This better be good!” he barked into the phone.  
  
Luke wasn’t paying any attention. He could still feel the warm breath on his cheek, the soft words in his ear. Reid loves him.  _Loves_  him. He had been waiting for this moment for weeks and his heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. After everything he’s gone through the past year and a half, he never,  _ever_ , thought he would feel this happy, this joyful, this proud. Falling in love with Reid was an accident –it was never supposed to happen. But it  _felt_  right, it felt completely and utterly right. The love he had felt for Noah couldn’t even compare to what he was feeling in this very moment. It was as if the stars and planets finally aligned themselves; it was as if fate finally said, “Okay, Luke Snyder. You suffered enough. We’ll finally let you be happy. Here’s your forever.”  
  
Reid loves him.  
  
“We got the heart!”  
  
Luke snapped back to the present. “Wait, what? They’re giving it to you??”  
  
Reid rubbed his hands together anxiously. “I spoke with the Chief of Staff, threw out my name a few times, told them some sad sob story about how Chris Hughes is the son of a beloved couple, blah blah blah. His condition was far worse than the other patient and that he would die without it. The chief pretty much said the heart was as good as ours. Now all we gotta do is get there, pick it up, and then stick in Doogie’s chest.” He sighed contently. “Soon, very soon, we’ll finally be rid of this nightmare.”  
  
“Oh, Reid! We need to call Bob and John, tell them the news!” Luke couldn’t believe it was actually happening. He never doubted Reid for a second but it almost seemed  _too_  easy. Chris was going to get his heart. He was going to be okay.  
  
“No no, I think we should wait until the heart is in our hands. If we tell them, Chris will get all brave and noble, Bob will default to protocol and procedure, and Katie and Kim will chew their fingers with worry. Let’s just get the heart and then we’ll notify everyone.”  
  
“Come here,” Luke beckoned. “I want to kiss you so bad right now.”  
  
He unbuckled his seatbelt and scooted up next to Luke. With one eye on the road, Luke turned and kissed Reid, trying to put everything he was feeling into this moment.  
  
“I love you too,” he whispered. “And I can’t wait to take you home and have my way with you.”  
  
Reid groaned with anticipation. “Then we better hurry.”  
  
They were approaching railroad tracks when the lights started blaring and the barrier began to fall.  
  
“Oh shit,” Luke moaned.  
  
“Gun it. We have plenty of time. You can make it.”  
  
Luke hesitated a moment before stepping on the gas but as they were about to cross, he felt the car sputter and suddenly stall.  
  
“Crap, are we on the tracks?!” he asked frantically as he tried turning the engine, to no avail.  
  
“Luke, come on, get the car started.”  
  
“I’m trying! It’s not working!”  
  
“Shit. Okay, come on, let’s get out of the car. The train probably won’t be able to stop in time.”  
  
Reid pulled the cooler out of the backseat of the car and turned to climb out. The next five words will haunt Reid for the rest of his life.  
  
“Reid… my seatbelt! It’s stuck!”  
  
He turned back around to see what the issue was. “What do you mean it’s stuck?!”  
  
“I don’t know. I can’t release it!” Luke was pressing the button and pulling at the seatbelt, trying to get it undone but it wouldn’t budge. “Oh god, Reid. Oh god…”  
  
He reached over to help Luke when they heard the sound of the approaching train. They locked eyes. Luke’s eyes filled with fear.  
  
“Oh god. The train. It’s coming… Reid…”


	3. Chapter 3

They say when you are faced with impending death, your mind drifts to some random memory. As Reid locked eyes with Luke, a memory he had kept deep and buried in his mind came roaring out....  
  
*****  
  
When Reid graduated from high school, his uncle Angus took him out for pizza. Well, more like dragged him out for pizza. At this point in their relationship, they barely spoke to one another. Angus was an alcoholic. He had no drive, no motivation in his life. Reid would come home from school every afternoon and find his uncle passed out on the couch, beer bottles cluttering on the floor, a cigarette in hand. It was the same thing, every day, for five years. His parents left behind a substantial amount of money and his dear, old Uncle Angus couldn’t put his greedy little hands on it quickly enough. His parents made it very clear that a portion of it was to pay for Reid’s schooling. And only he would have access to it, once he turned 18.  
  
He hated his life. He hated Brooklyn. He hated Angus. He hated his school, his “friends”, his teachers. Angus assumed Reid would stay in Brooklyn after graduation, maybe go to a local community college and Reid let Angus think this. But he had bigger, better plans. Little did his uncle know, he applied and was accepted into John Hopkins University. He needed to prove to his uncle, to his parents, to  _himself_ , that he could be successful and make something of himself. One of his greatest fears is ending up like his uncle: broke, drunk, and useless. So not only did he decide on medicine, but he decided on the most prolific field _in_  medicine: neurosurgery. John Hopkins had one of the best undergraduate neuroscience programs in the country. After wards, he planned on either going to MIT or Harvard University for medical school. Reid knew it would be extremely difficult and his personal life would be non-existent but he didn’t care. He made a promise to himself, that by the age of 30, he would be the most successful neurosurgeon in the country. Uncle Angus be damned.  
  
Reid had humored his uncle and went with him to the local pizza place down the street. They sat, in silence, eating their pizza. It was uncomfortable. It was _always_ uncomfortable. He never forgot, nor forgave Angus for the verbal abuse he had endured during his chess playing days. Every now and then, he could feel the sharp edges of the chess piece digging in his palm as his uncle went off on him about losing. When he quit the game (after his parents died), he took the knight piece out of the set and carried it with him. As a reminder of what failure feels like.  
  
“So um, I was doing some thinking,” Angus finally said, taking a generous swig from his beer.  
  
Reid looked at him, with raised eyebrows. “Oh? I didn’t realize such a thing was possible for you.”  
  
Angus ignored him. “My buddy Tony is looking for a mechanic down at his garage. I know you want to do the college thing but it might be good for you to do this instead. At least for a couple of years. Get some real workin’ experience, you know?”  
  
He stared at Angus. And then started laughing. “I’m sorry. You want me to work... as a mechanic? Are you serious?”  
  
“What! A mechanic is a respectable job. I did it for 25 years before messing up my hand.”  
  
Reid pushed aside his empty plate, shaking his head in disbelief. “Yeah, no. I’m not like you. I don’t want to be like you.”  
  
Angus leaned over the table. “Listen you little shit. I have done a LOT for you. I took you in, gave you a place to stay. Now you gotta repay the favor and help ME out.” His voice was low but menacing.  
  
He rolled his eyes at his uncle. “You have done  _nothing_ for me. You gave me a room. That’s it. The bed, the furniture, the  _money_ , was all from my parents. I don’t owe you a damn thing.” He threw his napkin onto the table and left the table.  
  
“Don’t you walk away from me boy!”  
  
Reid turned around. “Watch me.”  
  
All of a sudden he was being pushed into the wall, the wind briefly knocked out of him. Angus had his hands on Reid’s chest and his face close. His uncle reeked of booze.  
  
“You ungrateful bastard. Where you gonna go? You have NO ONE. You have no parents. No friends. Nobody likes you. You’re arrogant. Rude. Spiteful. You are going to craaaash and burn, nephew of mine. You’re not going to amount to  _anything_.”  
  
Reid shoved his uncle off of him. “I’m not going to amount to anything? I’m going to medical school, you jackass. I’m leaving in two days for Boston College. I’m going to be the best, most brilliant doctor in this country. Just you wait. And you know what’s funny is that it was YOU who inspired me. So thank YOU, dear uncle.”  
  
Angus chuckled. “You are gonna be alone, Reid. For the rest of your miserable, fucking life. No one will want you. Look at you. You’re angry. You’re miserable. Who wants to be with someone like you? Get out of my face. And don’t ever think about showing yourself around these parts again.” He spat at Reid’s feet.  
  
Instead of feeling anger, Reid felt confident and more sure of himself. Any little ounce of hesitation he had about leaving disappeared. He almost pitied the broken man standing in front of him. He knew, right then and there, that he would never, ever, end up like Angus.  
  
“Oh believe me. I won’t. Maybe I will be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe no one will want me. But I can guarantee, I can  _promise_ , I will never be as miserable as you.” He walked out of that pizza place and never saw Uncle Angus again.  
  
*****  
  
The sound of Luke’s voice snapped him back to the present. He shook his head, trying to wipe the memory away. He’s not sure why he thought of that particular exchange. Perhaps it was because he finally proved his uncle wrong. He  _did_ amount to something. He  _did_ find someone who wanted to be with him, who loves him in spite of everything he is (and is not). He was  _not_ going to let Angus win. He was going to be happy with his career and with Luke. He wasn’t going to let some stupid train take all of that away from him –from  _them_.  
  
“Reid, help.... Reid, the train... my seatbelt!” Luke was pulling at the belt, trying to get it loose. “Oh my god oh my god oh my god,” he moaned.  
  
Reid replaced Luke’s hands with his own but it wouldn’t budge. “Okay, maybe if you put the car in neutral, I can get out and push the car off the tracks. Luke, we gotta work quickly. We’re barely on the tracks so we can do this. We need to be fast.” He was babbling but he didn’t care. He reached for the door when he felt Luke’s hand on his shoulder.  
  
“We don’t have time,” Luke murmured softly. “You need to get out and get away from the car bef--.”  
  
“What? We have time. There’s time! We just need to be quick, Luke.” He leaned over to put the car in neutral but Luke grabbed his hand and kissed it. Reid looked at him again and started shaking his head, moaning softly. “No,” he pleaded. “No, Luke.”  
  
“The train is coming and it’s coming fast. Reid, please  _please_ get out of the car and get to safety.”  
  
“No, Luke! I’m not leaving you!” How dare he suggest such a thing.  
  
“Please Reid, please save yourself. Get out of the car! I’m begging you. Please please  _please_.” Luke pleaded frantically.  
  
“You think I’m going to leave you in here? By yourself? Watch the train hit the car, hit you? No. No no no no no. I won’t, Luke. I  _won’t_  leave you. There’s still time to get you out!”  
  
Reid continued to work on the seatbelt. Pulling, pushing, yanking, biting, trying to get it undone but it wouldn’t budge. He reached in the glove box and yanked out an old first aid kid. He dumped the contents onto the floor and pushed aside band-aids and gauze for a pair of scissors, a knife,  _something_. But found nothing. “God dammit!” he yelled in frustration.  
  
“Reid... please....” he heard softly. He turned back to Luke who was watching him with tears in his eyes.  
  
He leaned back to Luke and folded him into his arms. How could this be happening? Was this a joke? Was this a cruel nightmare? He had  _just_ told Luke he loves him. God wouldn’t be that cruel to him, to Luke. Yes, he was an arrogant jackass who deserved anything he got. But Luke? Luke was perfect. Luke treated everyone fairly. Luke loved unconditionally. Was this punishment? Did Reid piss off God just a little too much and this was what he was doing as payback?  
  
Reid knew one thing. He was  _not_ leaving Luke’s side. He could not leave the car and stand off to the side, watching the train hit his whole life, his whole future. Luke was an idiot for even suggesting it.  
  
“I love you. I love you. I’m not going to leave you. God, I love you,” he kept murmuring in Luke’s hair. He felt Luke burrow his head into his neck and he mimicked the gesture. He inhaled deeply, breathing him in one last time. They clung to each other, shielding the other from the impending crash.  
  
Reid felt hot tears on his neck and he knew Luke was crying. He kissed his neck, his cheek. He pulled his head away and kissed Luke’s eyes, his nose, the corner of his mouth, his lips. He could taste the hot tears on Luke’s lips but he didn’t care. If this was how it was going to end, he wanted it this way; in Luke’s arms, tasting him one last time. They pulled apart and stared into each other’s eyes, blue eyes on brown; conveying everything they were feeling into this one, single moment. Luke’s slowly brought his hands up to touch Reid’s face. His fingers lightly grazed his cheek, his thumb gently rubbing over his lips. Reid could see the fear escaping Luke’s eyes, the tears had stopped. He leaned into the touch. Kissed his palm.  
  
“I love you. Always. Forever.” He wasn’t sure which man had said it. They both could have. They both did.  
  
The train’s horn was blaring loudly but in that very moment, it felt like time had stood still. Reid hungrily feasted his eyes on Luke’s face, trying to memorize every single feature. The beautiful brown eyes with just a hint of green; the light freckles splayed across his nose; the thin pink lips he could feast on for all eternity; the flawless baby smooth skin. He tenderly cupped his cheek. “Smile, Luke,” he whispered. And when Luke smiled, he smiled. “Those dimples....” he said softly, gently running his fingers over them.  
  
Instead of fear and panic, Reid felt calm and peaceful. This was where he wanted to be. With Luke, holding him, ending it all together. There was no other place he would rather be. No other way to go.  
  
They folded into one another again, holding each other one last time. Reid could feel Luke’s heart against his chest, beating fast. He buried his face into Luke’s neck. He closed his eyes.  
  
And then... darkness.


	4. Chapter 4

_“Mommy, you know what I want to be when I grow up?” a little blue-eyed boy asked.  
  
A young woman with curly auburn hair scooped up the little boy in her arms. “What’s that?”  
  
The boy crossed his arms and poofed out his chest. “A super hero!”  
  
The woman laughed, and kissed her son on the forehead. “And a super hero you’ll be! Super Reid to the rescue!”   
  
His mother held Reid above her head and started twirling him around the room. “Super Reid! Make way for Super Reid!” Mother and son laughed joyously together._  
  
\-----  
  
Blackness. Pain. Confusion.  
  
“Oh my god! There are people in there!”  
  
“Someone call 911!”  
  
“Jesus Christ. Are they alive?!”  
  
“Can anyone reach them?”  
  
“What happened?!”  
  
“The train! The train just... HIT them!”  
  
Reid heard voices but could not register what they were saying. He tried opening his eyes but only saw black. He tried speaking but nothing came out. He heard sirens in the distance but all he felt was pain.   
  
Luke.   
  
Where was Luke? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Reid tried lifting his head but couldn’t move. He grew frustrated at himself. Why couldn’t he get up?! Why couldn’t he see?! Why couldn’t he call out for Luke?  
  
The sirens were close. He heard shouting and people trying to talk to him but he wasn’t paying them any attention. His focus was on Luke.   
  
Reid didn’t believe in God but he found himself praying.  _Please let Luke be okay. Please. He has so much to live for, so many people who love him. I will do anything for him. Please please let him be alright._  
  
He heard moaning. Was it him? Was it Luke? He couldn’t tell.  
  
His eyes opened slowly. He felt something hot trickling down his face. Water? No no,  _blood._  He tried to move but he was stuck. Something heavy was across his legs. He tried to lift his head to see what it was but he couldn’t make it out.   
  
He heard moaning again. He still wasn’t sure if it was him or Luke.  
  
“Luke…” he was able to groan out. He was able to turn his head slightly and tried to gather his bearings. He reached out in front of him to grope the heavy mass on top of him. It was then that he saw it. In the midst of the darkness surrounding him, he saw something bright. Something yellow. Something blonde.  
  
 _Luke._  
  
Reid fainted.  
  
\------  
  
 _“Welcome to the best place on earth, son.” A young man said to the boy next to him. “Fenway Park!”  
  
The ten year old boy, with a giant hot dog in one hand and a baseball glove in the other, walked into the stadium with his father, his eyes huge.   
  
“Reid, this is a tradition that my father did with me and his father did with him. I have been waiting your entire life for this moment; opening day at Fenway.” He placed his arm around the young boy’s shoulders. “And it’s something I hope you’ll do one day with your son.”  
  
Reid broke away from his father and slowly walked to the rail, staring at the huge green monster in front of him. He turned around and looked at his dad, father and son smiling at each other._  
  
\------  
  
He could hear voices again. He felt movement.   
  
“We need to get this one to Memorial immediately. It appears he has some sort of internal bleeding on his side. Do you see the bruising?! I’m concerned he ruptured his spleen. Or worse. Call ahead to the hospital and tell them we have two critical cases coming in and they’ll need to prep the OR. Get this one on the helicopter.”  
  
Reid opened his eyes again. He saw faces hovering over him. He was on a stretcher.  
  
“Sir? Sir? You’re okay. We’re going to take you to the hospital now. Can you tell me your name?”  
  
“Luke…” he groaned out.  
  
“Your name is Luke? Okay, Luke, stay with me okay?”  
  
Reid tried shaking his head but couldn’t. He was in a neck brace. “Where…. Luke?”   
  
His voice, which was already soft, was drowned out by the sound of the helicopter. He felt himself being lifted up and placed not so gently aboard. Before he could register what was going on, the helicopter lifted off and rushed off towards Oakdale.  
  
\------  
  
 _“You’re so anxious to leave Oakdale. I give you a solution that could cut three hours off your travel time and you turn me down because it comes from me. Who does that?!”  
  
Reid took a sip from his beer. “I’m unique.”  
  
“No. See, I don’t think this has to do with me throwing my money around or how I got you to Oakdale.”  
  
“And your keen instincts tells you what?” he replies nonchalantly.   
  
“You wouldn’t treat me this way if I was the straight husband or wife of one of your patients. You don’t respect me and Noah because we’re gay. That’s it.”  
  
Reid stares at Luke for a half a beat and starts laughing. God, someone needs to get their gaydar tweaked.  
  
“This isn’t funny!”  
  
Reid shakes his head in disbelief, still laughing at the absurdity of the accusation. “You think I’m homophobic? That’s hysterical.”  
  
He could see in Luke’s body language he was starting to get uncomfortable. Good.  
  
“Well, why don’t you let me in on the joke, doctor? What? Is your best friend gay? Or your mom? Or your dad? Who?”  
  
Reid caught Luke’s eyes and held them, “Me, Mr. Snyder. I’m gay.”   
  
And with those five little words, Reid knew that he was doomed. There was no denying it now. His life was about to get a whole lot more messy –Luke Snyder messy. But he actually didn’t mind.   
  
Oh crap._  
  
\-------  
  
“Dr. Oliver? Dr. Oliver can you hear me?”  
  
Reid’s eyes opened to Bob standing over him.   
  
“Bob--” he managed to rasp out. He was in a massive amount of pain.  
  
“Dr. Oliver, it’s good to see you awake. We’re about to move you to OR. Your spleen was ruptured and we need to try and get it out. You have a few cracked ribs and heavy bruising all over your body. You have a mild concussion that we’re monitoring carefully. But considering what happened, you’re lucky. _Extremely_  lucky.”  
  
Reid didn’t care about his injuries. He knew he wasn’t in any danger. All he cared about was Luke. Where was he?  
  
“Luke?” he asked, his voice raspy and soft.  
  
Bob hesitated. “Luke is --- Luke is in with John. I don’t know how he’s doing. I’ve been in here with you. But we don’t have time. We have to get you to the OR. Dr. Jansen is waiting.”  
  
The next thing Reid knew he was in the OR room with masked doctors and nurses surrounding him. The anesthesiologist was hovering over him, injecting him with god knows what. He felt his eye lids get heavy; he tried resisting.  
  
 _Luke._  
  
\------  
  
 _Reid entered his apartment in Dallas after working 36 hours straight. His feet hurt, his back hurt, and all he wanted, more than anything in this world, was a hot shower and his bed.  
  
“Daniel?” he called out as he shrugged his coat off and threw his keys onto the coffee table. He collapsed onto the couch, leaning back on to the cushion and closing his eyes.   
  
“Reid? I wasn’t expecting you home this early!” he heard behind him.  
  
He grunted. “’This early?’ I was gone for nearly two days. When were you expecting me back?”  
  
“That’s not... that’s not what I meant.” Daniel said hesitantly.  
  
Reid opened his eyes and turned to look at his boyfriend standing in the doorway leading to the bedroom. He was leaning against the door frame and had his arms crossed. He was only wearing boxers.  
  
He licked his lips and not so subtly ran his eyes up and down Daniel’s body. After two years together, Reid still couldn’t believe this man wanted him. He was tall, toned. He had shaggy black hair and stunning green eyes. Daniel worked as a photo journalist for a local news station. They were polar opposites but it worked. Or so Reid assumed.  
  
He got off the couch and slowly walked towards Daniel. A predator hunting his prey.  
  
“You look so hot,” he murmured as he wrapped his arms around Daniel’s waist.  
  
“Reid--” he started but Reid’s lips quickly ended whatever it was he was about to say. Reid moaned into the kiss and ran his hands up and down Daniel’s body.  
  
“God, I want you,” he said huskily into the other man’s ears.  
  
“Reid, wait.” Daniel pleaded, trying to push Reid off of him.  
  
He pulled away, puzzled. Daniel never refused sex._ Never. _It was then that he saw it. Beyond Daniel, in the hall. There was a trail of clothes in the hallway leading towards his bedroom_  –their  _bedroom.  
  
“What is this?” Reid asked, quietly.  
  
“I… wait, I can explain!” Daniel rushed out, trying to block Reid from entering the hallway.  
  
“Get out of my way,” he growled. “Daniel! Get out of my way!”  
  
Daniel hesitantly stepped aside and Reid slowly walked into the hallway, following the trail of clothes. As he entered the bedroom, his eyes followed the clothes up onto their bed. His eyes settled on the man lying under their sheets, trying to hide himself from Reid.  
  
He felt like he was going to be sick.   
  
“Reid, I’m so sorry. But you’re never home anymore and I got lonely. God, I didn’t mean for this to happen but I mean, can you really blame me? You were NEVER here!”   
  
Reid said nothing. He simply turned around, pushed past Daniel, and walked out of the apartment. Two days later, he picked up all of his things and moved across town. Daniel had pleaded and cried and begged Reid to forgive him but he couldn’t. He_ wouldn’t.  
  
 _It wasn’t until he was making his last sweep through of the apartment did Daniel finally get angry.  
  
“You can blame this on me all you want but let’s be honest here. You were never checked fully into this relationship. You were never emotionally with me. It was always work and fucking with you. You know we’ve been together two years and I know_ nothing _about you? I don’t know anything about your parents or your childhood. Where you grew up, what you liked to do for fun. You’re angry and closed-off. What person could deal with that? What person would want to be with someone like you?”  
  
Reid slowly turned to face Daniel and finally spoke. “Then why did you stay with me?” he asked quietly.  
  
Daniel sighed, with tears in his eyes. “Because I thought, eventually, you would grow to love me. But I’m starting to think it’s impossible for you to love.”_  
  
\-------  
  
“Reid? Reid can you hear me? Please open your eyes!”   
  
Reid awoke to Katie, Bob, and Margo hovering over him. He felt disoriented, confused. His head and his side hurt.  
  
“Oh thank god!” Katie exclaimed, bending over to kiss him on the forehead. “I was so worried about you!” She started to cry.  
  
“Katie…” he said, his voice still heavy and groggy from the medication.  
  
Bob stepped up the bed and placed a hand on Reid’s shoulder. “You’re going to heal, Reid. They had to remove your spleen but you’re expected to make a full recovery. You did good in there.”  
  
He nodded slowly, trying to gather his thoughts. The train. The accident. Luke.  
  
 _Luke._  
  
“Luke?” he asked, trying to sit up quickly. “How is Luke? Where is he?”   
  
He saw Katie, Margo, and Bob exchanging looks with one another. No one said anything.   
  
 _No._  
  
“Bob? Tell me. Where is Luke?” his voice dropped. His heart started to pound. No.  _No._  
  
“Reid, I think you should get some rest. You just came out of surg--”  
  
“No, god dammit. I don’t care about getting rest. I care about Luke. Bob, tell me!”  
  
Bob hesitated. Katie grasped his hand. “Sweetie, Luke’s injuries are very serious,” she finally said, gently. Her eyes started to water again.  
  
“What? Serious? How serious? Bob!” He could feel his heart in his chest, hammering. No no no no  _no._    
  
Bob rubbed his hands together anxiously. He sighed before starting. “His lung collapsed but we were able to revive it. His back is broken and so is his left leg. He cracked and broke nearly two-thirds of his ribs. He had a severe gash along his right cheek that required 60 stitches…”  
  
Reid went numb. Luke was broken,  _broken._    
  
“There’s something you’re not telling me,” he said quietly. “What is it?”  
  
Bob sighed again. “He sustained severe head trauma. His brain is swelling severely and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. He’s breathing on his own right now but very soon we’re going to have to put him on a respirator. We’re monitoring him closely but it doesn’t look good, Reid. I’m so sorry.”  
  
“You’re sorry? Wait, Bob. No no no no no no. What are you saying?” Reid was a neurosurgeon. He knew what it meant. But he couldn’t grasp it, refused to believe it. Surely someone made a mistake.  _He_  was the brain doctor. He wanted the name of the doctor who came to this conclusion. He wanted to punch that doctor in the face. No one knows the brain better than himself. They were wrong.  _Wrong_.  
  
Katie squeezed his hand. “Sweetie, Luke isn’t going to make it.”  
  
Reid shook his head. “No. No, I don’t believe you. Luke  _will_ l make it. He  _has_  to make it. I want to see him. I want to see his CAT scans. There is something that you’re missing.  _I’m_  the brain surgeon.”  
  
“Reid--”  
  
“Bob, god dammit, now is  _not_  the time to follow procedure. Either help me out of this bed or I will do it on my own. But I  _will_  go to Luke.”  
  
Bob hesitated again but Reid held his gaze, refusing to back down. Bob finally gestured to Margo who grabbed a nurse and asked her to bring in a wheel chair. Both Bob and Katie helped Reid out of the bed. His side hurt like hell but he pushed the pain aside. He had to get to Luke. He had to see him, had to heal him.   
  
Katie gently pushed him out into the hallway and the various nurses and doctors stopped and stared. Reid ignored them all. His focus was solely on Luke.   
  
As they rounded the corner, he was thrust into a mob of Snyders. Jack and Carly. Parker and Faith. Natalie and Ethan. Emma. Lucinda. Luke’s friends and family. He ignored them all. His eyes on the hospital room where Luke lay.  
  
Jack must have realized where Katie was taking Reid because he quickly jumped in front of them to open the door. He felt Jack’s hand on his shoulder as he passed but again, he ignored him. His eyes were drawn into the room. Lily and Holden were standing at the foot of Luke’s bed and turned around when they heard the door open. He saw tears in Lily’s eyes and pain on Holden’s face. He studied both of them.  
  
“Please.” He heard himself say.  
  
Holden nodded and gently took Lily’s hand, moving her to the side of the room. Reid’s eyes fell on Luke.  
  
 _Luke._


	5. Chapter 5

Reid can distinctly remember when he lost his first patient. He was stuck doing rounds in the ER as an intern –something he loathed.   
  
An elderly man had come in by ambulance, complaining of abdominal pain. The resident on duty gave the patient to Reid and told him to order the standard tests. Reid begrudgingly did so, even though he wanted to scrub in on the guy who had a brain aneurysm.  _Davids_  got to scrub in instead. Even though Reid was the most talented and brilliant of all of the surgical interns, his resident insisted they each take turns going into the OR. Of course his biggest competition, Matt Davids, got the most interesting case. He had pleaded with his resident, telling him that since  _he_  was the most gifted of the interns, _he_  should get to scrub in on this instead. The resident, Dr. Channing, was not amused and sent Reid to check in on the old guy.  
  
So he watched, bitterly, as Davids and the rest of the team rushed the patient into the elevator up to the fifth floor. He’ll never forget the look Davids gave Reid as the elevator doors closed.  _Jackass_ , he remembers thinking. With a huge sigh and a heavy heart, Reid walked into the old man’s room. The man was sitting up, breathing into an oxygen mask and his wife was standing next to him, clutching his hand, her eyes full of tears.  
  
Reid, ignoring the patient, grabbed his chart and looked over his vitals. Mr. Hebert was complaining of abdominal pain, constipation, shortness of breath, and blurred vision. He needed to get the patient’s medical history. He hated this part.   
  
“Mr. Hebert, do you have any previous medical conditions we should be aware of?” He sighed loudly, clearly annoyed.  
  
The man gingerly shook his head while his wife, still clutching her husband’s hand said, “My Georgie has never been sick a day in his life.”   
  
Reid nodded once, making a note on the chart. “Can you describe the pain? Is it on your right side? Your left? Stomach?”  
  
Mr. Hebert took off the oxygen mask and weakly pointed to his left side. “I thought it was just constipation at first but the pain spread to my left.”  
  
As he was speaking, Reid noticed his speech started to slur a bit and his eyelids became droopy. He scribbled this on the chart  
  
“Have you been out of the country recently?” The man shook his head. “Have you eaten anything unusual?”  
  
At this question, the man’s wife perked up. “Well, we did stop by a farmer’s market and bought a couple cans of peaches. I didn’t eat any but Georgie started to complain of a stomach ache after he ate some.”  
  
“And how long ago was this?” he asked, growing impatient.  
  
The patient’s wife looked at him for a moment, thinking. Reid started to tap his pen on the chart and he thought of Davids, cutting into a man’s skull. Bastard.  
  
“I don’t have all day,” he snapped at her.  
  
The wife, clearly startled, said hastily, “I think it was on Sunday. Yes, yes, I think that’s right. So three days ago.”  
  
Reid stared at her. “And you’re just coming in now? No wonder your husband is having trouble breathing,” he muttered, ignoring the gasp from the wife.  
  
Reid deduced the patient had a bad case of food poisoning so he plastered on a fake smile and told the Heberts he was going to order blood tests and they will know more in a couple of hours. He handed off the chart to the nurse and bowed out of the room quickly, his mind on Davids and that aneurysm. He found himself making his way up to the surgical floor where he learned they would be in surgery for at least another four hours or so. He decided to linger around, hoping to get a glimpse of something or even a last minute call into the operating room.  
  
Reid was paged back down to the ER a couple of hours later. When he exited the elevator, he noticed the code blue alarm had gone off. He chased after the nurses and his heart dropped when he realized where they were going. He completely forgot about the Heberts.  
  
He stumbled into the hospital room and froze at the sight in front of him. Mr. Hebert was on his back, his hospital gown pulled down to his waist, a nurse giving him CPR. He watched as Drs. Eisenman and Lawton took over and started doing chest compressions on his patient. Dr. Eisenman grabbed the defibrillator and attempted to shock Mr. Hebert’s heart back into life. Reid couldn’t stop staring at the old man. He was complaining of abdominal pain, of constipation. How did this happen? Did he overlook something? Did he not ask the right questions? What did he miss?  
  
Reid numbly looked to the side and saw the man’s wife crying in the corner, pleading for the doctors to save her husband’s life. He knew he should help but he was rooted, frozen in this spot. Minutes passed but the old man’s heart showed no sign of life.   
  
“Time of death, 16:48.”  
  
Mrs. Hebert screamed loudly as Dr. Lawton went to her, softly explaining what had happened. The rest of the staff, after cleaning up, filed past Reid, who still hadn’t moved. He watched as Mrs. Hebert walked gingerly over to her husband, grabbed his hand and held it up to her cheek, murmuring softly about how she loves him. When she gently placed a kiss on his forehead, Reid felt physically ill. He rushed out of the room and raced into the restroom, barely making it before he threw up his lunch. He collapsed against the toilet, his body shaking. His mind was racing with questions. What did he miss?  
  
He found out later he had done nothing wrong. The patient had botulism, a rare but serious illness that lived in improperly canned or preserved foods. The symptoms happen almost immediately after digesting the food and if left untreated, could result in full renal failure. Dr. Channing, after emerging from a successful surgery, pulled Reid aside and told him there was no way Reid would know to test for botulism. But he felt like a failure anyways. He came into medicine because he wanted to be the best. Failure was never an option for him, Uncle Angus made sure of that. Losing this patient only motivated Reid to work ten times harder and be ten times better.  
  
From that moment on, every time Reid lost a patient, he pushed himself to make sure it would never happen again. He kept reminders of those he couldn’t save and used their deaths as a motivation to be better, to be  _perfect_.  
  
But being here, in this particular room, looking at the one person he loves more than anything else in the world crushed him. His body went cold as he stared at Luke’s sleeping face. His face was bruised and he had a long line of stitches down his right cheek. His left leg was wrapped in a huge cast and his chest was bandaged to protect his back. Despite all of this, Reid couldn’t help but think how beautiful Luke looked.  
  
He was afraid to touch him, afraid his touch would break him even more. It was Reid’s fault Luke was laying here. He should have been more insistent on stopping Luke from coming with him. He shouldn’t have been distracting Luke with his declaration of love. He shouldn’t have told Luke to try and beat the train. He felt hot tears welling in his eyes but he blinked them away, refusing to give into them. He couldn’t do this now. He had to be strong for Luke. Luke needed him and Reid needed to make him better.  
  
He hesitantly touched Luke’s hand and bent down to kiss it, his lips gently grazing his knuckles. Luke slowly opened his eyes at the touch and his big brown eyes found Reid.  
  
“Reid...” he groaned quietly. “You hurt?” He tried to shift his body so he could see Reid better but the pain and restraints limited him. Reid felt helpless as he watched the pain sweep over Luke’s face.  
  
He shook his head swiftly. “Just a couple cuts and bruises, that’s all.”  
  
Luke studied him, his eyes going from bruise to bruise, cut to cut. He noticed Reid was in a wheelchair.  
  
“Liar,” he whispered. “Tell me.”  
  
Reid shook his head again. “Luke, I’m fine. I had some internal bleeding and they removed my spleen. Nothing major, I promise.”  
  
Luke’s eyes widened. “Nothing major?” His voice panicked. “Oh god, Reid. You had surgery? No! Oh god, no! Why did you stay? You should have left me. You should have left!”  
  
Reid pulled himself closer and clutched Luke’s hand even tighter. He had to calm Luke down. He had to make him see this was  _not_  his fault. “Don’t be an idiot, Luke. I wasn’t going to leave you. And I can see it in your eyes now, you’re blaming yourself. Stop. It was my decision, my choice to stay. Please Luke, please don’t...” his voice trailed off.  
  
Luke nodded once, acquiescing to Reid. He had no energy to fight him. Luke again tried to shift his body but the pain was unbearable.   
  
“Do you need something? Do you need more medication?” Reid asked hurriedly. He made to turn to Lily and Holden, to ask them to grab a doctor, when he felt Luke squeezing his hand.  
  
“You,” he heard. “Just you.”  
  
The hot tears were threatening Reid again. He raised his eyes up to stop them from falling before turning back to Luke. He tried to smile at Luke but it felt unnatural for him.   
  
“I’m here, Luke. I’m here and I’m never leaving you.”   
  
Luke smiled softly in response. Even in massive amounts of pain and with 60 stitches trailing down his cheek, it was the most real and most beautiful smile Reid has ever seen.  
  
“Reid?” he heard behind him. He turned and saw Lily had taken a few steps closer to the bed. “Reid? Can we talk to you? I mean, if you don’t mind?”  
  
Reid hesitated. He didn’t want to leave Luke but he had to talk to Lily, had to talk to Luke’s doctors. He  _had_  to start making Luke better. He couldn’t see him in pain anymore. He nodded to Lily and turned back to Luke. He brought his right hand up to his good cheek and gently grazed his fingers over the smooth skin.   
  
“Hey, look at me for a minute,” he whispered.  
  
Luke opened his eyes again and turned to Reid. Even in pain, he still took Reid’s breath away with those beautiful, beautiful eyes.  
  
Still gently grazing Luke’s cheek with his fingers, he murmured softly, “I’m going to go outside for a few minutes. I want to talk to your parents and your doctors. But I won’t be far and I won’t be long. I promise.”  
  
Luke softly nodded before closing his eyes again. Reid lingered for a minute before giving Luke’s hand another gentle kiss. Holden came around the bed and slowly wheeled Reid out of the room, conscious of Reid’s own pain. The minute he was out in the hallway, the cold and numbness folded over him again. Being away from Luke mentally and physically pained him.  
  
The collection of people outside Luke’s room had grown. Casey, Henry, Barbara, and Noah had joined the Snyders keeping vigil. He couldn’t look at any of them. He didn’t have the energy.  
  
Lily, with the support of Holden, turned her attention to Reid. “Please,  _please_  tell us what happened!” she begged, her voice laced with tears.  
  
But Reid couldn’t. He couldn’t look Lily in the eyes and tell her it was  _his_  fault her son was dying. That it should have been  _him_  in that hospital bed, not Luke. He didn’t give a rats ass about what Lily needed; only Luke. Always Luke.   
  
Holden took a step closer to Reid and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. “Dr. Oliver, I know how difficult this is for you and I know you’re in a lot of pain. But you are the only one who can tell us what happened. Please tell us.”  
  
Reid winced as he adjusted himself in his wheelchair. Lily was one thing but Holden was another. He barely knew Holden but the way Luke talked about him made Reid respect the man a whole lot more than he did with Luke’s mother. At least Holden respected their relationship, unlike Lily who was still on Team Noah. He sighed loudly, rubbing his forehead, trying to wrap his head around everything that was happening.  
  
“I made the decision to go to Bay City to pick up the heart for Chris,” he started. “Luke insisted on coming with me. He was driving while I was on the phone with the hospital, haggling for the heart.” He shivered.  
  
He looked around the hallway. Everyone’s eyes were on him.  
  
“We were coming to some railroad tracks when the lights started flashing. Since we were in a hurry, I told Luke to race over the tracks, that he could beat the train. But the car stalled as we were going over the tracks and his seatbelt was stuck.” His eyes were threatening to leak again. He shook his head to stop them.  _No_ , he told himself.  _No tears_.  
  
His voice, which had started out strong, was beginning to crack as he kept going with the story. Looking past the Snyder clan, he replayed the horrifying moments in his mind before the train hit.  
  
“Luke and I tried to get his seatbelt loose but it was stuck. I tried everything but I couldn’t… Luke tried to get me to leave him, but I refused… I refused…. So I just grabbed him and held him in my arms and we waited until the train… until the train…” his voice failed him.  
  
The hall was quiet, save for a few people crying. “You made him race over the tracks? You  _made_  him try to beat the train? This is  _your_  fault? My son is in the hospital because of  _you_?!" Lily exclaimed, breaking the silence. Her reaction seemed to surprise everyone but him.  
  
Reid was expecting Lily to blame him, but what she didn’t know, what she possibly  _could not know_ , was the wrath she was unleashing on him was nothing compared to the anger and disappointment he was unleashing onto himself. He said nothing to refute what Lily was saying but nearly every single Snyder jumped in to stop her, which did surprise him.  
  
“Lily, let’s not blame Reid for this,” Holden started.  
  
“Reid is hurting just as much as Luke is,” Carly murmured.  
  
“It was an awful, awful accident,” Lucinda said.  
  
Katie stepped in front of Reid, as if to protect him from Lily’s words. Reid has never respected nor loved her more. “Lily, he could have left Luke but he didn’t. He stayed with him. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”  
  
Lily started sobbing and sank to her knees. “Why did this happen? Why him?” she cried to Reid. But he couldn't reply. He was asking those very same questions. “Why did you stay with him?” she asked in between sobs.  
  
Reid couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the woman in front of him. What a stupid, stupid question to ask. Anger swelled through his body.  
  
“Why?  _Why_?” He found his voice again and he knew he shouldn’t be angry with Lily, that she was hurting just as much as he was, but he couldn’t deal with her dramatics. Reid never really cared about the lack of respect she showed for him or his relationship with Luke, but my god, she was going to respect him  now.   
  
“Are you an idiot? Why do you  _think_? I love him. I  _love_  him. And he loves  _me_. I’m sorry to ruin your little ‘Luke and Noah forever’ fantasy but that’s the truth. I want to spend the rest of my life with your son, you insipid woman.” He felt exhausted all of a sudden and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed with Luke. But he knew he had to wait. He still had to help him.  
  
Lily said nothing and allowed Holden to help her off the floor. “Thank you for staying with my son,” he softly, tears streaming down his face. Reid looked away. He couldn’t stand seeing Holden cry.  
  
“I need to see John Dixon. I need to see Luke’s doctors.” But no one moved or said anything. “Hello? Are you all stupid or something? Did you all magically become deaf? I said, I  _need_  to see Luke’s doctor, goddammit!”  
  
As if on cue, John Dixon and Bob rounded the corner and Reid sighed with relief. Finally. “Dr. Oliver, there’s no need to get snippy. I’m right here.” John said as he maneuvered through the Snyders. “What do you need?”  
  
The site of Dr. Dixon seemed to rejuvenate him, gave him hope. “What do I need? First, I need everyone except Luke’s parents to go to the waiting room. That’s why such a place exists. Second, I want to see Luke’s chart and his CAT scans –Bob don’t even start with your ‘procedure and protocol’ bullshit. And third, I need you all to stop feeling sorry for me.  _That’s_  what I need.”  
  
Bob and John exchanged looks before both men wordlessly nodded to Reid. Bob gently asked everyone to go to the waiting room and promised them he would keep them updated on Luke’s prognosis. Holden, after pleading with her for what seemed like hours, took Lily outside for some air. Once the hallway had cleared, John gently pushed Reid back into Luke’s room. Reid felt the wave of cold and numbness sweep over him again when he saw Luke, still laying there, still broken. John brought him back to the spot he had vacated earlier --at Luke’s side, where he wanted to be, where he  _had_  to be.  
  
“Dr. Oliver, I understand your need to help Luke but you also need to take care of yourself,” John said carefully. “Your body went through an intense trauma. You need to give yourself some time to heal.”  
  
Reid held up his hand. “Stop. Don’t even start on this, ok? Just give me Luke’s chart." He shivered again as he glanced over at Luke.  
  
John hesitated a moment before handing over the chart. Reid flipped it open and scrutinized every test result, every word, looking for  _something_  that John might have missed. John didn’t say anything, allowing Reid the opportunity to see the hard truth for himself: Luke Snyder was dying.  
  
Reid was about to question something on the chart when he saw something, written clearly on top of the form, that made his heart stop.  _Do not resuscitate_. He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. “Oh Luke,” Reid breathed out. “No no no no no.”  
  
“There’s something else,” John said, quietly. “Before you came, Luke made an explicit request.” He stopped, as if the words escaped him. “He asked for Tom Hughes and granted his father power of attorney.”  
  
Reid closed his eyes. He was tempted to put his hands over his ears and shout, “la la lalala I can’t hear you!” but it wouldn’t change anything. He knew he had to hear this.  _Luke_.  
  
John continued slowly. “He told his father that when his brain and body goes, he wants his body harvested.”  
  
Reid almost vomited. “John—”  
  
“Dr. Oliver, he wants Chris Hughes to have his heart.”


	6. Chapter 6

_"Hey Reid, how do you feel about DNRs?" Matt Davids asked Reid over lunch one dreary afternoon.  
  
"Do you mean as a patient or as a doctor?" he asked, intrigued with this topic of conversation.  
  
Anna Demars piped up. "Well, both."  
  
Reid threw his napkin onto his lunch tray. "Well, as a doctor, I hate them. The worst feeling in the world is standing back and watching a patient, who you know you could save, die because they legally said we cannot help them." He pushed his lunch tray away. "As a patient, I'm all for them. I don't want some doctor pounding my body with god knows what, sticking tubes and crap down my body. Why prolong the inevitable?"  
  
"How can you be for_ and  _against them?" Matt asked.  
  
"Even though as a doctor, I don’t like them, I also understand why someone would want one. Would you really want to be kept alive by machines, knowing full well you'll never wake up, you'll never get better? I refuse to be subjected to that. Let me go with dignity." Before anyone could say anything else, he grabbed his tray and walked away._  
  
*****  
  
Reid likes to think he has done a remarkable job of keeping his personal and professional lives separate. Granted, his personal life has been fairly nonexistent over the course of the past ten years, but any problem he's faced on the home front, he's been able to check it at the door when walking into the hospital. It's always important for him as a doctor to be completely unbiased and nonjudgmental (no matter how wrong –or idiotic— the patient may be). But he was having an extremely difficult time comprehending that feeling in this very moment.   
  
"I'm sorry, but what did you say?" Reid asked John. He heard wrong, he had to have heard wrong. Luke wouldn't consciously give his heart to Chris like this. He was awake, he was  _talking_. There was still hope he would get better.  
  
"Dr. Oliver, I'm so very sorry to be the one to tell you this," John sighed, rubbing his face anxiously. "When Bay City got wind of your accident, several hours had already passed. When they never heard from you, they thought you gave up on getting the heart so they let their doctor have it. I'm so sorry, but the donor heart is gone."  
  
Reid could feel himself shaking. That heart was theirs. After everything he and Luke did to get to Bay City, they dare give it away? All of this was for nothing? For the second time in the span of minutes, he felt the like someone knocked the wind out of him. How could this be happening?   
  
"So let me get this straight," he started, slowly. "Bay City, who initially promised us the heart, gave it away. So now Luke took it upon himself to donate his?" At that moment, Lily and Holden walked in. "Is John serious?" he asked, turning to Luke's parents. "Did Luke really say he wanted Chris to have his heart?" His voice, he realized, was full of desperation. He was begging Lily and Holden to tell him John had misheard, that Luke wouldn't do something so stupidly selfless like donate his still beating heart to a jackass who didn't deserve it.  
  
"Yes," Lily whispered. Reid felt bile in his throat. No. No. Holden took a step closer. "He told us, and Tom, he wanted his organs harvested."  
  
"Oh god," he gasped. He felt light-headed all of a sudden and felt like he was on the verge of fainting. "Why?  _Why_? There is still hope. Luke's heart is still beating. He's talking! He's awake! We just need to give his body time to heal!"  
  
"Dr. Oliver, his body is weakening. There's not much left we can do." John said, but Reid did not hear him. He refused to listen to such nonsense. He turned towards Luke and slowly pushed himself out of the wheelchair. He needed to be strong for Luke; he needed to be strong for both of them.  
  
"Reid!" Lily gasped reaching towards him.  
  
"Dr. Oliver, are you an idiot?" John exclaimed. "Sit back down before your staples pop out!"  
  
Reid shrugged off their hands. "Don't touch me!" he growled, throwing off their hands. He took meager steps towards Luke and grasped the bed rail as he shuffled closer. At this height, he was better able to see the severity of Luke's injuries. He was completely and utterly broken, and it shattered Reid into a thousand pieces. He tentatively reached out and grasped Luke's cheek, the other hand found Luke's hair.  
  
"Luke.... Luke.... why? Why did you tell everyone you wanted Chris to have your heart?" Reid whispered, begging for an explanation. He needed to understand why Luke was giving up, why he was already willing his organs to other people. Didn't he get that Reid still needed to save him? He could see Luke was growing weaker by the minute. His breathing was growing shallow and it was only a matter of time before he would need a respirator. That thought alone scared Reid. He knew that once Luke was on it, he may never get off of it.   
  
As if gathering strength from Reid, Luke opened his eyes. His lips, cracked and bloodied, turned upwards into a smile. Reid felt like he could start crying; even in death Luke still could smile.   
  
"No..." Luke said, his voice rough and raspy. "I'm not giving..." he started wheezing, gasping for air. "…Chris.... my heart.... you have.... my heart..... always..... I just... want.... him to.... borrow.... it.... for.... awhile....."  
  
Reid stroked Luke's hair, tears falling down his cheek. This time he did nothing to stop them. "I'm selfish, remember? I don't want you to share your heart with Chris. I don't want anyone to have your heart, Luke. Please,  _please_  don't give up."  
  
Luke moved his face into Reid's touch, relishing the feel against his hot skin. His breath was laboring and it was becoming more and more difficult for him to keep his eyes open. He knew he didn't have much time. "Come...... here.... closer...." he rasped out, beckoning Reid to put his head next to Luke.   
  
"I love you...." he breathed into Reid's ear. "Always...."  
  
Reid let out a choked sob. He pulled away from Luke, shaking his head profusely. He was aware he was sobbing now, but he didn't care. He wouldn't let Luke give up --he couldn't.   
  
"You're not going anywhere and neither is your heart." he proclaimed, trying to be strong. "There's still so much you have to do. There are so many people's lives you have to help with your foundation. There are so many stupid, stupid arguments that we have to get into." He brought his face closer to Luke, his voice, laced with tears, pleading with him. "And there are so many days that we have to spend together. Please Luke, we haven't had enough days. We're just getting started." He let out another sob, his heart aching in ways he never thought possible. "I love you. You love me. So please, please, you can't leave me." He leaned down to gently kiss Luke's lips, begging him to not give up, to fight harder.  
  
"I'm going to make you better," he whispered against Luke's lips. "I promise."  
  
Reid felt hands behind him, guiding him back into his wheelchair, but his eyes never left Luke. He didn't say anything as he felt himself being pulled away from Luke's bed. Not until the nurses closed the curtain surrounding Luke's bed did Reid finally blink. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder and without even knowing whose hand it was, he reached up and clasped it. He could hear the doctors and nurses hooking Luke up to the respirator, thankful they had closed the curtain, obstructing his view. He has incubated hundreds of people but the thought of it happening to Luke physically made him ill. So he would wait, clasping Lily's hand, until they finished.  
  
*****  
  
 _"If I ever doubted the downside of love, I'm seeing it now. This whole, 'people caring about people' business... it's insane," Reid exclaimed. "No wonder I've tried to avoid it."  
  
"Well, it has its good points, too," he heard behind him.   
  
Reid scoffed. "It seems like the greater you care about something, the greater chance you have of getting hurt. Even losing the very thing you care about!"  
  
"That's true," Luke conceded.  
  
"How do you live with that?" he asked, turning to face Luke. There was a reason why he never let himself fall in love. This situation with Chris was a perfect example.  
  
Luke looked thoughtfully at Reid. "Well, you're just grateful that you have that in your life for as long as you have it, even if it is just a short while." His voice was gentle and was obviously trying to calm Reid down. It wasn't working.  
  
"Short while?" he exclaimed. "No. No way. I'm not willing to invest so much to get so little in return. I want the whole enchilada, you hear me?"  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
"Meaning you better take care of that kidney of yours. If I'm going to put myself out there, fall in love with you, I am not going to lose you. Do you hear me?" Reid needed Luke to understand all of this. He needed Luke to know he was going against everything he believed in, everything he taught himself over the years. If Angus and Daniel taught him anything, it was the type of person he never wanted to be –the type of person he never thought he could even be.  
  
Luke's face turned red, his face turned into a brilliant smile. "You planning on falling in love with me?"  
  
Reid scoffed again. "No, of course not. I'm not planning on fall --no, it's not something you plan on. It just--- it happens." He was aware he was babbling and it was freaking him out. "You---you're powerless to stop it." Reid stopped suddenly. "Oh, listen to me. I've never been powerless. I've always been in complete control of everything in my life." He walked past Luke, trying to understand what he was feeling. It was like everything hit him at once. He knew, right then and there, that he was in love with Luke. There would be no "falling in love" because he was_ already  _in love with him.  
  
"Aw. Are you okay?" Luke asked teasingly. Reid was more than okay. He was perfect. Everything made sense to him now. He could be both the successful doctor and be in love. It took him a very long time to realize it was possible for him to do both. Luke proved this was true.  
  
He turned back around to face Luke, his face full of peace and hope. He nodded before asking, "you?"_ Are you okay with this? Are you okay with me being in love with you? Can you love me?  
  
 _Luke looked intensely at Reid. The teasing smile turned more serious and Reid held his breath, waiting for Luke to respond. "Mm-hmm," he finally said. That was all Reid needed. Every question he mentally asked, he received an answer in return. As he gently leaned in to kiss Luke, he finally knew everything was going to be okay._  
  
*****  
  
"What's going to happen next?" Lily asked John, bringing Reid back into the present. He was aware he was still holding her hand. Neither one made to move.  
  
"Luke is breathing through the respirator now and it seems that he's slipped into a coma," John explained, rubbing his eyes. "The nurses are taking him up for a MRI right now. Once we have his latest results, we'll know more." He paused, looking from Lily to Holden to Reid. "I think it's time to prepare for the end," he said softly. Lily let out a sob, pulling her hand away from Reid's.   
  
"I want to go with you," Reid said quietly. "No offense but you're a cardiologist.  _I'm_  the neurosurgeon. I want to see the results. There may be something you're missing. John. Please."  
  
John let out a breath of air before agreeing. "Bob will have my head when he finds out I'm letting you do this, you know." Reid said nothing as John grabbed his wheelchair and began to wheel him out of Luke's room and towards the elevator. He didn't care what Bob will do. He could fire Reid, for all he cares. He's only thinking of the here and now. There was no future without Luke in it. His mind was so focused on Luke that being in the elevator didn't even faze him. It was as if any fears he once had were being replaced with thoughts of healing Luke.   
  
 _"Wow. You are seriously claustrophobic."_  
  
"No, I don't-- I don't, uh, like tight spaces."  
  
"And here I thought you were invincible!"  
  
Reid couldn’t help but smile at the memory. It was hard to believe that incident happened nearly six months ago. Never in his wildest dreams did he ever think he would be in this place, in this moment, with Luke. But here he was, not only in love with the guy but also trying to save his life.   
  
He felt his heart racing once they exited the elevator. He knew what these test results meant –it would give them a clear understanding of Luke’s prognosis. John wheeled him down the hall to the tech lab in silence, unsure as to what to say. Reid saw the chart; he saw the state Luke's body was in. Any other doctor looking at Luke’s chart would have closed it and said his case is hopeless. But Reid wasn't just any other doctor. He was Luke's partner, his lover. He wasn't going to let some stupid chart tell him whether or not his partner was going to live or die. John supposes he would be the same way, if put in Reid's situation. And for that reason alone is why he's pushing Reid into the tech lab.  
  
"Where is Luke?" Reid quietly asked the lab guy. Usually he bursts in there, angry and annoyed, demanding test results, but his voice is lacking any emotion, which visibly startles the technician. "Um... um, the nurses took him back downstairs." The guy was clearly flustered and Reid would have used this opportunity to insult him or berate him, but instead he said nothing.  
  
"Do you have Mr. Snyder's results yet?" asked John. The technician turned back to the computers and pulled up several images of Luke's brain. Reid stared. "Oh good, thank you." John glanced over at Reid and turned back to the technician. "Why don't you take a little break and leave Dr. Oliver and myself to these results. Yes?" He didn’t want anyone to be around Reid as he looked over the test results.   
  
John waited until the technician gathered up his things and hurried out of the room, waiting until he heard the door close before pushing Reid closer to the computer screens. John knew, immediately, what they said. Luke's brain was still swelling and very soon, he would lose all functionality. It was what he was expecting. John gently placed a hand on Reid's shoulder. "Dr. Oliver, I---"  
  
But Reid leaned forward, ignoring John, his eyes bouncing from screen to screen, searching, grasping, hoping. Reid was the best in the country. He was Luke's only hope. John wanted, more than anything in the world, to be wrong. He found himself holding his breath, watching Reid analyze and scrutinize every inch of every scan. He found himself believing that maybe, just maybe, Dr. Oliver would see something that could save Luke's life. After what seemed like hours to John, Reid turned to face him.  
  
In that moment, in that look, John knew.


	7. Chapter 7

There were two reasons why Reid ultimately chose neurosurgery. The first was the obvious reason: he wanted to piss his uncle Angus off by proving he was the better man. The second was he simply loved the brain. He loved the idea that something so unique and so intricate controlled thought, touch, movement, smell, taste. He loved that the brain could create masterpieces like the Great Pyramid of Egypt, the Sistine Chapel, and the Declaration of Independence. And of course, The Godfather parts 1 and 2. As a med student, he used to sit in the observation room and watch Dr. Channing for hours, operating on numerous patients, every condition imaginable. He studied every movement, every decision Channing made. He poured over hundreds of medical journals and peer articles, absorbing everything he could. It was a surprise to no one that by 28, Dr. Oliver was performing brain surgeries on his own; or by 32, he opened his own clinic. No one knew the brain quite like Dr. Reid Oliver.  
  
As he poured over Luke’s scans, he tried to be unbiased, tried to treat this examination like it was some random 22 year old patient of his. But this wasn’t some random 22 year old. It was Luke. It was Reid’s entire being. He was silently pleading with Luke’s brain to show him  _something_.  
  
After several minutes, Reid turned to John, who had been quiet as he hungrily examined the scans. “We need to do a craniotomy,” he decided. “He has massive swelling on the left side of his brain. It’s evasive and it’s risky, but I think it would elevate the swelling and pull him out of the coma.”  
  
John shook his head slowly. “That was our obvious first choice but Dr. Tanner thought it would do more harm than good. What makes you think this would work?”  
  
“Because I say it will. Rick Tanner is a Harvard reject who ended up getting his medical degree online.  _I_  am the best. And  _I_  say this will work. Unfortunately, Dr. Tanner will have to do the surgery so I’m going to want both you and Bob in the operating room. God forbid he cuts the brain stem or something.”  
  
Reid felt good, he felt energized. He knew this surgery was risky but Luke was strong, he was a fighter. There was no way this surgery wouldn’t work. He knew this ultimately meant Chris Hughes would not get a heart but he honestly couldn’t care less about that. The only thing Reid cared about was making Luke better. He made a promise and he had every reason to keep it.  
  
John studied Reid for a moment before slowly agreeing. “Ok. Let's bring it to the masses.”  
  
****  
  
“You want to crack open his skull?” Lily asked, incredulously. “But isn’t that risky?”  
  
Reid and John were back downstairs in Luke’s hospital room with Reid taking his familiar place next to Luke’s side, his hand clasping Luke’s hand. John summoned Lily, Holden, Bob, and Dr. Tanner into Luke’s room to discuss the options.  
  
“It is risky – _very_  risky,” Dr. Tanner agreed. “Mr. Snyder, Ms. Walsh, I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t think this surgery will help Luke.”  
  
“But Reid said—“   
  
“I know what Dr. Oliver said and I understand this is a---  _delicate_  situation for him. But he’s not in any position to make a professional opinion.”  
  
Reid, who had been quiet while Dr. Tanner explained the surgery, was offended. “Excuse me? Who are you to say anything? I am more doctor than you willever be. Don’t you dare undermine my professionalism!”  
  
“Dr. Oliver, I’m sorry, but I think you’re so desperate to make Luke better that you’re not looking at this objectively!”  
  
Reid, with his hand still grasping Luke’s, slowly pushed himself out of his wheelchair. “I  _am_  looking at this objectively! Luke’s brain is severely swollen and it is showing no signs of letting up. We need to release pressure and give his brain the room to heal!”  
  
“His brain is too delicate to do this surgery! If the circumstances were a little bit different than I would have no hesitation doing this procedure but I will not put my hands on his brain when it’s this severe!”  
  
“It’s his only chance!”  
  
Holden, who had been quietly processing this exchange, suddenly turned to Bob and asked, “if we do this surgery, what are the chances of it being a success?”  
  
“Holden, I am not the brain surgeon—“  
  
“Please, Bob. Just tell me.”  
  
Bob’s eyes flickered from Reid to Dr. Tanner before finding Holden’s again. “I would say Luke has a 25-30% shot of making a full recovery. But only if there are no complications during surgery.”  
  
“No,” Lily said softly. “We’re not going to do the surgery.”  
  
“Lily—” Reid started.  
  
“No Reid. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want the machines and surgery. He made it very clear to us. He wouldn’t want this.”  
  
Reid’s body went numb. “But this is Luke’s only chance of getting better! Don’t you think it’s worth the risk? Don’t you think we owe it to Luke to try?”   
  
He turned to Holden, his eyes pleading. “Please.  _Please_. We have to try! I made a promise to Luke, I told him I would fix him!” He felt tears again but did not care. “Holden.  _Please_.”  
  
“Reid, I’m so sorry…”  
  
“No,” he interrupted, shaking his head. “No.”  
  
“Luke made it very clear to us what he wanted.”  
  
“ _No!_ ” he exclaimed. “No no no! I don’t  _care_  what Luke said. I don’t  _care_  what he wanted. How can you just stand there and watch your son die? Watch as his heart is taken out of his still beating chest and placed into someone else's?”  
  
Lily began to sob.  
  
“Luke is only 22. He has  _so_  much to live for. He was looking forward to taking Natalie and Ethan trick-or-treating. He told me stories about the Hubbard squash and ice skating on the Snyder pond.”  
  
His attention shifted from Lily and Holden back to Luke. Always Luke. “We were just getting started. I told him I love him. And he loves me. Don’t take away our future. Please!”   
  
He gently placed a hand on Luke’s chest, feeling his heart beating strongly. “I don’t know how to do this, Luke. I don’t know how to let you go,” he whispered. “You look so peaceful, so beautiful. I never told you how you took my breath away the first time I saw you. Or how I nearly walked Noah into the wall that first day because I was so flustered being around you.” He smiled at the memory. “Katie used to give me so much crap about it,” he said, laughing through his tears. “I denied it, of course.”  
  
His smiles at the memory quickly fell. He gently placed his ear over Luke’s heart.  
  
“Thank you for giving me your heart,” he whispered.  
  
Reid is not sure how long he stayed by Luke’s side. It could have been hours,  _days_ , for all he knows. He refused to let go of Luke’s hand as one-by-one, Luke’s family came in to say good-bye. Reid watching distantly as Ethan, not quite knowing what was happening, blew Luke a kiss as he left the room. As Faith started crying so hard, she had to be sedated. As Noah gently kissed Luke on the cheek, saying good bye to the man he still loved. It all felt like a dream to him.  
  
Finally everyone left, seeking solace in one another out in the hallway. Lily and Holden were standing on the other side of Luke’s bed; John, Alison, and a group of nurses were hovering off to the side, waiting to take Luke into the operating room so his heart could be given to another man.  
  
“Good-bye, baby,” Lily whispered. “I will love you forever.”  
  
“I am so honored to be your father,” Holden said, choking back tears. “I couldn’t ask for a more perfect son.”  
  
And then... it was Reid. He knew it was time. “I will love you until the day I die,” he whispered as he kissed Luke’s cheek. “Good-bye, Mr. Snyder.”  
  
He let go of Luke’s hand as John and Alison stepped up to prepare Luke for surgery. He watched, numbly, as they gently wheeled Luke out of his room. He followed them until he reached the doorway, where the crowd of Snyders and Hughes, family and friends, doctors and nurses, people who were affected by Luke and those who barely knew him, quietly stepped aside as Luke moved slowly by them.  
  
After a few moments of heavy silence, Katie began to say the Our Father, aloud, with Margo, Kim, and Bob each taking a line.  
  
“Forgive us our trespasses,” Emma offered after a pause.  
  
“As we forgive those who trespass against us,” Barbara added, reaching over and taking Emma’s hand.  
  
“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil,” Noah intoned, quietly, tears streaming down his cheek.  
  
Then, from behind, in a small, barely audible voice, someone said, “Amen.” It was Reid. In agreement, everyone else echoed his final word, as they all set Luke off into his final journey.  
  
Reid, who was barely standing as it was, felt himself falling. The strength he had been carrying for Luke left his body as soon as Luke was out of sight. He didn’t care who saw, he didn’t care what people would say. Luke was the reason why he was here; the reason why Reid felt so much compassion and love; why he had become a better man. What was he supposed to do without Luke? Who was going to be there for him now?  
  
He felt hands behind him suddenly, catching him before he fell completely. “I got you,” was whispered in his ear. He turned slowly and saw Holden, his eyes big with tears, his lips quivering. Reid nodded once and leaned into Holden’s embrace, both men focusing on the elevator doors where Luke was last seen.   
  
“Amen."


	8. Chapter 8

24 hours.  
  
It was exactly 24 hours since Luke died.   
  
Those past hours were a blur to Reid. The last coherent memory he had was watching Luke being wheeled away to the OR, where greedy doctors were waiting to get their hands on Luke's organs. His liver, his lungs, his eyes –god his  _eyes_ \-- and of course, his heart. Reid remembers Holden helping him back into his own hospital bed. He remembers Lily coming to him, crying hysterically, thanking him for loving her son. He remembers Katie, sitting next to his bed, saying nothing, just clutching his hand as she waited for Chris. He remembers Bob coming into his room hours later, telling him that there were no complications, that Chris hadn't rejected Luke's heart. He remembers a single tear rolling down Bob's cheek. He remembers the night nurse, stopping in to check his vitals, insisting he go to sleep. He remembers laying, alone in his hospital bed, feeling nothing but numbness.  
  
In the span of 24 hours, Luke's liver went to a 32 year-old woman in Ann Arbor; his eyes to a 15 year old boy in Sacramento; his lungs to a 28 year old woman in Albany; his skin to a 18 year woman in Minneapolis. Luke's kidneys were the only thing they weren't able to harvest, given his medical history. Reid knows he should be grateful parts of Luke were living on in other people; that Luke literally saved numerous lives. But it didn't matter because Luke was gone.  _His_ Luke was gone.  
  
Lily had stopped by in the morning but Reid had told the nurse he didn't want to see her. He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to look Lily in the eye again. He presented her with a possibility to save Luke and she said no. He would never ever forgive her for that. Hell, he wasn't sure he ever wanted to see Holden again either. This whole thing was their fault. They did this.   
  
\-----------------------  
26 hours.  
  
It was exactly 26 hours since Luke died.  
  
Reid was staring at the TV, barely processing what was on the screen. The nurse had turned it on, saying he needed to lose himself in something other than his own thoughts. Reid proceeded to call the nurse manager into his room and told him that under no circumstance, was that nurse allowed back in his room. Despite the huff he had made, he made no effort to turn it off.   
  
His doctor had been in about an hour ago, checking his staples for infection. According to him, they were healing nicely and if it kept, he would be able to leave in a couple of days. He took this news with mixed feelings. On one hand, he couldn't wait to get out of here, to take a shower and sleep in his own bed. But on the other, the hospital was where Luke had died, where they had said their final good-byes. He didn't want to break that tether. But he would have to. He would have to leave and go on with life because that's what you were supposed to do. Reid wasn't sure how he would but he knew he would try. For Luke.   
  
He had already made the decision to leave Oakdale. There was no way he could stay now, with reminders of Luke at every turn. The neuro wing would go on without him. He would help Bob or Chris or whoever the new chief of staff would be with hiring his replacement. And as soon as they were hired, he would get the hell out of here. He wasn't sure where he'd go. Maybe back to Dallas. Or to the Mayo Clinic. Maybe he'd take a page out of the Hughes book and go to Africa. He didn't know nor care. Just as long as it was far away from this place of memories.  
  
A gentle knock on the door broke Reid's trance. He turned his head quickly, praying that it wasn't Lily. Even though he gave strict orders to the nurses to keep her away, he wouldn't be surprised if she found away around them.   
  
Instead of Lily who stepped in, it was someone Reid never thought he'd see again. Noah.  
  
Noah looked...well, horrible. As he stepped in, Reid surveyed his appearance. He was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, his eyes were bloodshot, and he clearly hadn't shaved in awhile. Reid said nothing as Noah stepped in. He hesitantly took a couple steps towards the bed, but stopped short of sitting in what Katie was calling, “her chair.” Noah was looking at the ground, biting his bottom lip. He clearly had something to say to Reid, but Reid stayed quiet. He had nothing to say him, but clearly Noah had something to say to Reid.  
  
Noah finally looked up with tears in his eyes. “I'm...god, Reid. I'm so sorry.” His voice was thick and he had tears in his eyes.  
  
“For what?” Reid asked, his voice showing no signs of emotion.  
  
“For not getting out of your way where Luke was concerned.” Noah took another small step towards the bed, still out of reach for Reid, which he appreciated. “I refused to see how much you meant to him. How much he had fallen for you. Watching you last night...changed all that for me.”  
  
Reid snorted. “Wow, how kind of you, Mr. Mayer. I'm so glad my hysterics over Luke was what got you there.” He wanted Noah to leave. He couldn't do this with him, not now –maybe never.  
  
“I deserve that,” Noah replied quietly.  
  
“Actually no. You deserve nothing. To be frank, Noah, you mean absolutely nothing to me. You are just another reminder in this god-forsaken town --another reminder of what I lost.”  
  
“If it helps, I'm leaving. To California,” he offered helpfully. “I have nothing keeping me here anymore. Luke was it. And now that he's gone...”  
  
“Now that he's gone you can go on and live the pathetic little dream of yours. The dream that fucked up your relationship. Good.” Reid's side hurt all of a sudden. He grabbed the medicine handle, mercifully pushing it, and internally sighing as he felt the rush of morphine shoot through his body.  
  
“What are you going to do next?” Noah asked.  
  
“The first thing I'm going to do when I get out of this hospital is take a long, hot shower and take a long nap. Then, I'm getting the hell out of dodge.”  
  
Noah shook his head, clearly confused. “The neuro wing--”  
  
“The neuro wing will be fine without me.”  
  
“You can't leave! The neuro wing is your baby! Luke's baby! How do you think he'd feel if he knew you were giving up?” Noah was angry, Reid noticed. Normally Noah's rants agitated Reid but right now, he simply was annoyed. He wanted Noah to leave. He wanted to surrender to the bliss the morphine was giving him.  
  
“I'm not having this discussion with you, Mr. Mayer. It's none of your business what I do or do not do. And it's not your place to presume how Luke would feel.” Reid's head started to swim, the surrender starting to take place. “Now, if you don't mind, I'd like you to leave.”  
  
Noah, with a pained look on his face, started, “But you--”  
  
“Don't make me call security! Get. Out.” He sank back into his pillow, closing his eyes. He heard Noah shuffling towards the door, heard Noah tell him not to let Luke down, and happily slipped into unconsciousness the second the door closed behind Noah Mayer.  
  
\--------------  
Reid woke up hours later, his room dark. At some point, a nurse had come in and turned off the TV and shut the blinds. The only light on was from the machines he was currently hooked up to. He stared at the darken ceiling, letting his mind fall back to the past 48 hours. He felt hot tears stream down his cheeks but did nothing to wipe them away. The reality of everything that had happened was sinking in. How he had told Luke he loved him. How Luke insisted on coming with him to Bay City. How Luke insisted that he get out of the car to save himself. How he held Luke in his arms as they waited for the train. How Luke looked, broken, in the hospital bed. How Luke looked as he was wheeled away, brain dead. The tears streamed faster and his body started to shake as the tears turned into sobs. He let out a gasp as his body was racked with tears. “God, Luke,  _why_. Why. Luke please come back to me,  _please_.” He sobbed loudly now, not caring if anyone outside could hear him.  
  
Someone apparently had heard him as his door was flung open, blinding his tear-filled eyes with the bright light of the hallway.   
  
“Reid? Reid?!? What's wrong, I'm here, Reid. I'm here.”  
  
The next thing Reid knew, Luke was enveloping him into his arms.


	9. Chapter 9

Reid is pretty sure his brain stopped working. Or his heart. Or both. Because Luke,  _his_ Luke, was holding him, stroking his hair, murmuring that everything was okay, that he was there. Luke, who smelled so familiar, so delicious. Luke who was supposed to be dead.  
  
At that moment, Reid pried himself out of Luke's arms and stared at him. The room was still dark, with only the light from the machines and the crack of light from the hall. But despite that, it was him. His beautiful brown eyes, his soft, spiky blonde hair, those plump lips. It was all Luke.  
  
“Reid, what happened? Did you have a nightmare about the accident? Did you want me to get Dr. Channing?” Luke started to get off the bed, his body shifting towards the door, but Reid grabbed him, pulling him back to the bed.  
  
“How?” Reid murmured. “Am I dreaming? Is this a cruel joke the world is playing on me?”  
  
Luke shook his head, his hand back to stroking Reid's check. “You're awake, Reid. You had a bad dream or—or something. I promise you, you're awake.”  
  
Reid couldn't stop staring at Luke, his mouth opening and closing, words failing him. Luke's eyes narrowed in concern. He has never seen Reid this away. Granted, the accident did a massive number on him, but to see him in hysterics and then speechless? He was definitely concerned.  
  
“Reid...Reid, you're scaring me. What happened? What was the dream?” Luke's voice soft with concern.  
  
“You're de...you were dead!” Reid finally was able to say. “I---I watched you die. I held you as you slipped away. I saw them wheeling you away to the OR. They gave your organs away. You're dead.”  
  
Luke's eyes softened, he pulled Reid back to him, holding him close. Reid's ear was right up against Luke's chest and he could hear the steady thumping of his heart. Luke was real. Luke was alive.  
  
“No baby, no,” Luke murmured into Reid's hair. “I'm okay, I'm right here. Nothing happened to me. I'm okay, Reid.”  
  
Reid clutched at Luke's shirt, keeping him in place. His eyes closed, relishing the sound and feel of the healthy heart inside Luke.   
  
“The accident...you were with me...” he said into Luke's heart.  
  
“I wasn't with you, Reid. Remember? I tried to go with you but you wouldn't let me. You made me stay at the hospital to keep an eye on Kim and Katie. You told me that you loved me and then drove away. And you got into the accident and I thought--- I thought I was going to lose you.” Reid felt Luke's tears as they gently landed on his head. “I thought you were going to die.”  
  
Luke and Reid stayed like that, clutching each other, quietly crying into one another. Luke crying because he had almost lost Reid. Reid crying because he had lost Luke but for whatever reason, God was giving him a second chance. Because that's what this was. He saw what his life would be like without Luke and he knew it was a life not worth living if Luke wasn't in it. Reid knew there were things about himself that he needed to change. He knew he had to honor this second chance and was going to spend the rest of his life proving to Luke he was worthy of that second chance of life with him.  
  
At some point, Luke and Reid had fallen back on the bed, still clutching one another. They adjusted their bodies so they could both fit and Reid nestled against Luke. He insisted on laying against Luke's left side, so he could continue to listen to the steady beating of his heart. It was the most precious sound he's ever heard.  
  
“I love you,” Luke whispered, gently kissing Reid's forehead.  
  
“I love you too,” Reid whispered back, inhaling Luke. “Always.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Epilogue**  
  
 _Seven Months Later_  
  
“Reid, seriously, this painting is hideous. I can't believe I let you talk me into it.” Luke huffed as he watched the movers unload the truck.  
  
“What are you talking about?! That painting is a work of art, something Da Vinci only wishes he could have painted! It will look fantastic hanging above our bed.” Reid replied, knowing full well how Luke would react.  
  
Luke turned to him, eyes narrowing and his hands on his hips. “If you think I'm going to let you hang that above our bed, you must be dreaming. The man is naked, for cripes sake!”  
  
“Which is why I feel it would be best located in our bedroom. Where all the nakedness happens.” Reid smoldered back, grabbing Luke's hands off his hips and gently pulling him closer. “He'll fit right in.” He whispered seductively as he trailed kisses up Luke's neck.  
  
Luke groaned, giving in, yet again, to Reid and his seductive ways. “Fine, but that means I get full reign on decorating the living room.”  
  
“Fine by me,” Reid said in between kisses.   
  
“Ah hem,” they heard behind them. Luke jumped out of Reid's arm, clearly startled at the intrustion. Reid groaned inwardly at the appearance of Katie and Doogie Howser.   
  
“Are we interrupting anything?” Chris said, with a very, very large grin on his face.  
  
“Actually, yes, Doogie, you were.” Reid said, shooting a nasty look in his direction. He was still getting used to the idea of Chris being his friend and being a constant presence in his now domesticated life. Katie had insisted that Reid make an effort to spend time with Chris as he was a very important person and blah blah blah. Katie was lucky that Reid adored her so much. Actually no.  _Chris_ was lucky that Reid adored Katie so much.  
  
“Come on guys, none of that!” Katie exclaimed, stepping in between both men. “This is a big day for Luke and you,” she pointedly said towards Reid. “You bought a house, this is huge. Let's not ruin it with petty barbs at one another, okay?”  
  
They both nodded while Luke amusingly kissed Reid on the cheek. Reid snaked an arm around Luke's waist and tugged him closer. Luke melted into the embrace, relishing the open display of affection Reid was offering. Reid had never been one for PDA, but ever since his accident, he became more open to displaying it. It still surprised Luke whenever it happened.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Luke asked Chris, his hand finding the inside of Reid's back pocket. Reid only clutched at Luke's side tighter.  
  
“I'm feeling great,” Chris said honestly. “The heart seems to be doing well --no complications or signs of rejection. I'm very lucky.”  
  
Because of Reid's accident, he was unable to get the heart for Chris. For a brief moment, everyone braced themselves for the worst but Luke, thinking fast on his feet in the light of Reid's accident, made a call to Lucinda's private pilot and had him take the company helicopter to the Bay Area Hospital where the heart was waiting. While Reid was in surgery, the heart had arrived. Just in time, given the state Chris was in.   
  
“Yes, yes you are.” Reid said matter-of-factly. “As your new boss, I demand you take care of yourself.”  
  
Chris nodded solemnly. “You got it, boss man.”  
  
The four fell into a comfortable silence after that, watching the movers as they unloaded the new furniture Luke and Reid had picked out. Their home was an old cottage, deep in the woods. It was far enough from Oakdale for Reid, but close enough to family for Luke. It was a new beginning for them, one filled with love and hope for their future.  
  
Reid knew he would never forget the second chance he had been given, and he thanked his lucky stars every day for Luke. Things were going incredibly well for them both. The neuro wing had opened and was quickly becoming the go-to place for neurology in the country; Luke was back in school, determined to finish his degree in creative writing. They both were healthy, happy, and crazy for each other.   
  
The heavy cross Reid had been carrying his whole life was gone. His life was where it was supposed to be. In this godforsaken town with Luke.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this story back in 2010 and only just recently completed it. It was originally posted on LR Online, but I've decided to bring it over here as well!


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